Survival and WomanhoodNov 26, 2021
I've. been sharing all about my experience of the nervous system.
So let's talk about Fight.
The “fight” in me is real and alive. Always has been.
It's very different now than in my past. Present day...it's palpable. Strong. Mostly at rest, not always on the surface anymore, but available when appropriate.
Alive and well!
This is ideal. Anyone who tells you anger is bad for you, read When The Body Says No, by Gabor Mate. I LOVE his explanation of the physiology of anger and anxiety. Reading that gave me all the permission I needed to drop into my belly and root and let that fiery anger soothe and empower me. It's satisfying (and physiologically healthy and "warming" per Gabor).
Look at this world. We have reasons to be angry. I believe anger is sacred. Almost every woman I work with moves through learning how to embody, accept, and move with anger. It is often once of the most challenging processes. To allow oneself to be on fire. Enraged. Deeply angry. Fierce. Worked UP. Hot. Powerful.
Anger isn't a problem unless it gets stuck (I believe this is a key contributor to inflammation).
Anger is healing fire.
Let it burn you up! Let it heal you.
Rage is different than anger.
Rage is a whole different ballgame (not bad, just different).
Addressing anger in the body is one of the routes to making sure rage doesn't inflict major harm (internally or outside in our lives). It's a challenging one to learn.
When I first did my type of work (womb and pelvic inner tissue work) for myself years ago I encountered much inflammation and tension, very much "fight flight" (a system dumping consistent stress chemicals basically becomes toxic to oneself and it's unsustainable).
After that, I had years of what happens once that toxicity unravels and "moves out" (more on that below).
After that, some real coasting.
And now, the next layer is here. Some of what I see in my clients' journeys matches my own (we're all different...I feel best sharing about myself and not my clients' details):
1. Unwinding of toxic stress / inflammation / fight flight chemical overload = a big reduction in anxiety, tension, and heat. I's like a top layer of film that melts and that allows the deeper layers (psoas anyone?) to talk!
2. Sometimes there is a crash after this. I believe anxiety and depression exist on a continuum and are highly connected to our nervous system / endocrine / immune function. Sometimes people crash and experience feeling "depressed" for the first time ever. For me, this was wild! I was accustomed to having tons of energy, anxiety, quickness...but me? Depressed? Down? Not enough energy? Not motivated to do my regular things? Sleeping tons? Eating tons? Cynical about the world and humanity? Super calm? Who is this person! I'm so glad I stayed curious about it and about my inner world and didn't pathologize myself or get upset about it.
I just sat with it. For months and months. Kept saying to myself "this is interesting" and allowing myself to ride it out.
I believe all humans experience anxiety and depression on some level... It's ok. It's just our nervous system learning how to be in this world. It's not needing pathology or stigma. It's ok to acknowledge that we all have needs that are probably unmet on some levels because of society. What does that do to a human body and brain?
(Hint: talking about it doesn't do much, I truly don't believe. After years in the mental health field, I believe talk therapy is a waste of time as a stand-alone experience. Seeing all that is surfacing about the body and neurosciences, I think it's safe to say a lot of therapists believe now we NEED to incorporate the body and somatic work. Deep healing of the internal world, not just the brain.
3. Sometimes it's the opposite, I've see people go from a lifetime of being somehow "down" to fairly quickly having a ton of energy. This can be a bit anxiety provoking and something new to learn to tolerate. It can be just as tricky as being "depressed" after never having been on the downward slope before.
4. My concept of this is...the freezy fainty response mobilizing into fight flight needs to happen so the shaking / tremoring of the body releases old imprints of stress. And/or sometimes fight flight comes first, the crash comes after, before the body can find true equilibrium and ramp up those inner reserves.
5. This is all very real. So many practitioners and people are realizing it as our collective requirement of addressing stress in the body is big now. We simply don't have the reserves to be storing it all away because of what we have to respond to now. We need all of our energy for the present, not the past. The past is stored in our system, we know this. Time to unravel....safely.
6. Some version of the above needs to happen before true expansion / joy / heart opening / all the good stuff, we have to "feel it to heal it" and "get it out". All the sayings are here for a reason. "The only way out is through". Whatever has lodged itself in our bodies and neural pathways, can be addressed through many forms of somatic work.
7. When this physiological unwinding happens, it can be emotional, tender, confusing, relieving, and takes real stamina and support. There are many reactions to it all. It can be associated with "old experiences" as well as recent, fresh ones. I believe it's all neurological (brain) and in the body (nerves, tissues, and structures). Freeze faint "wakes up" and fight flight is finally allowed to mobilize. Fight flight settle down into depressive tones (sometimes collapse will happen). This is all part of the nervous system finding homeostasis.
8. Eventually, typically, a well of deep inner heat opens up.This is the depth of inner and sustaining fire. This deep inner heat is life-force. It's nourishing. It grows through the cells and nerves and organ tissues (fascia is IN organs! how incredible, this proves the concept of semi-permeable boundaries).
It can be emotional and it can be beautiful. It's not superficial or right under the skin. It's as deep as one can get in the tissues of the core, the psyche, the primal animal self.
9. I believe this is sometimes primal survival heat and sometimes the light of the soul. I also believe they dance together. How to tell the difference? The difference between essence or true self or reactive primal self?
That is the big question I myself am always praying for. To allow the soul's expression to move through body and for body to feel safe enough to do that. I believe this is a lifetime process, not something we "land and be done with and skip on about life" type of thing.
The real reason I write this.
The reality of this world is that some women get drugged, abused, invaded, left for dead, everyday. All over the world. I believe we all feel this on some level. What goes unacknowledged inward and outward DOES go somewhere. The "collective unconscious" is one of the oldest psychological frameworks in the western psychology field.
The fight / flight / freeze and "glitching" of my nervous system and neurological brain function I feel about this world and my experience of womanhood is very real. My skills to navigate this in myself and support others in it has taken extended time to build.
Inner and outer sight (eyeballs are connected to brain function), acceptance, joy, expansion, safety, and landing is a profoundly satisfying human experience. Many experience this as a direct result of addressing their root (pelvis).
We all want and need to be uplifted. We want expansion. We want to ascend. Those of us who really want that, it's time to do the inner work. Touch the pain. I truly believe this. I see it in myself and I see it in clients and loved ones. If we run, avoid, numb, self-medicate as the only tactic...nothing will shift or we will simply break down like anything does that goes uncared for.
All of what I experience now, so much health and beauty and intimacy and pleasure, I attribute to my willingness to touch my own pain and make it through to the other side. Over and over and over again.
The clients who do the best work with me approach things in this way. They are willing to feel inside themselves, ask the big questions, laugh about it all, experience big unknowns and uncertainties, feel their true essence shine through the pain of conditioning and society and inter-generational trauma and DNA patterns, cry and shake and shed big flowing tears while also staying grounded in their body, build inner resources and skills, and remember that we truly just don't know why we are here and what we are doing here but we are here together and perhaps there is a bigger purpose.
The bonding that can happen between women is a big discussion with many layers. That's the ultimate big one in my opinion. Our relationship to the bodily, human, cosmic "womb", where we all originate and come from. Anyone who traverses the real depth of this path of the womb, it's not pop psychology. How do we do this dance together and also remember ourselves, not get lost in enmeshment, and embrace sovereignty?
I'm glad I have worked this for myself and that I'm committed to the path. Thanks to the experiences I’ve had, the guides and supports, the teachers, the practices and ultimately my own willingness to be in it and commit, that's why I'm able to create what I'm doing.
I woke up to this somatic truth while my brain was still developing. This has required countless time, reading, research, training, sessions, treatments for myself and huge investments. All of this has required 100% commitment to my journey. I know how privileged this is and the gratitude I feel for having access to this is immeasurable.
We need places to bring all we feel about this world. I need places and I have many places. I don't say this to gloat but to share that I've worked my ass off to create it. It didn't magically appear cause I prayed into a candle one evening. I have health in my relationships. Real community. Openness with boundaries. Self-protection without being paranoid. Incredible practitioners in my life for me and incredible clients who I support. Partnership. Familial transformation. A real home. Animal bonds. Real love inside and outside. All of this, I believe, is connected to our experience of our "root" (ever heard of the concept of the "root voice" ? Deep wisdom in the base of our bodies, this is what guides my life now).
Everyone in my life knows this is my path. We joke and laugh and cry and grieve and ask the questions and get mad about it all. I have cultivated these spaces for myself and I have let the cosmic divine play or fate or whatever it is bring these supports to me. It’s mutual and it’s beautiful. I’m humbled to have so much support in my life and humbled to support others.
The conversation of the divine is what I'm truly most interested in. That spark in me and in others. An amazing book all about the psoas (so connected to root work because it literally plugs down into the root!) calls this spark the inner diamond.
What I've learned through my own journey….I believe conditioning (neural pathways and nerve pathways among other influences), human development, inter-generational genetic and DNA signals, human relationships, environmental factors, bonding, the nervous / endocrine / immune / neurological dialogue of the body can either allow for this divine spark to express or it can shelter / protect / cover / mute / hide it.
I believe most of us go through many waves / phases of this cycle of expression and protection. I believe "spiritual awakening" is neurologically oriented (which is nervous system oriented).
I feel this dialogue in my body. In my organs. In my nerves. In my brain. In my heart. In my cells. In my "field" (science proves the electromagnetic "field" around our body is real and extends about 6 feet beyond out skin). My tissues, structure, and "energy" (for me energy work is based on the nervous and endocrine systems).
It is often very painful and takes training to truly transform. Just like learning something new, practicing yoga for the first time, getting a ski lesson or whatever else is so normalized in this world. It's the same with our "inner work". It's our pathways. Like roads on the inside. Practice, repetition, communication, and rest. We need it.
** It’s also great to remember that being addicted to transformation is real and it’s great to simply chill and enjoy life.
If you want t o connect, please be in touch ! Join my mailing list via my home page for the best personal notes from me. With so much love and gratitude,